This hurts so much, but she won’t quit.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have an issue with my mother. Whenever I do something wrong and upset her, her first reaction is always to bring up the fact that when I get older, and my parents are dead and I have no one left, I will realize the value of their words. I understand that, and it’s probably true, but the thing that bothers me is her insensitivity. I do not think she realizes how much her words hurt me or maybe she doesn’t care, even though I have explained this to her. When I get upset over what she said, she acts like I am overreacting and that what I did to make her say that was a terrible offense (it never is). I am young, but even since I was a very, very small child, I couldn’t bear the idea of my parents growing older and eventually passing. It haunts me and keeps me up at night and is one of the reasons I always have to be occupied—I can’t let my mind wander. I have never admitted this to anyone. It’s why I envy people with siblings because at least they have someone to rely on. I don’t think my mom comprehends how much it hurts me when she casually throws out comments like that. How do I make her understand and listen to me?
— Horrified and Hurt
Dear Hurt,
One of the toughest parts of writing this column is getting letters from young people whose parents are doing something like this that hurts them. Why? Because while my colleagues and I can offer advice on how to approach your loved ones, we can’t tell you anything that will guarantee a change in their behavior. Parents can be notoriously set in their ways, and I don’t know if your mom will be open to change even if you make the most impassioned plea possible. There is a chance that you will have to accept her for who she is, and as you become an adult, that may also involve making decisions about the role she plays in your life accordingly.
It’s unfair that your mother uses this type of guilt to make you feel bad about things you have said and done. I strongly encourage you to remind her each time she does this, and to let her know plainly just what kind of impact her words have on you. Let her know how difficult it is for you to think about losing her and that she is pushing a particularly painful button when she invokes the idea of your parents passing away. Share how much she means to you and why the idea of this loss is so devastating. Perhaps she will come around and see the error in her ways. Even if she doesn’t, she should hear how she’s made you feel anytime she starts this line of talk.
As you get older, you may find yourself limiting how and when you communicate with your mother based on how she engages with you. During childhood and the teen years, we do not have a choice about how and when we interact with our parents. But when you are no longer reliant upon her care, you will be able to make decisions about how the two of you deal with one another. Hopefully, your mother will soon come to understand how her words have impacted you, and that she needs to find another way to respond when she takes issue with you. If she doesn’t, you’ll have to work on tuning her words out.
In the meantime, remind yourself that your mother is an imperfect person attempting to parent as best as she can, but that she doesn’t always have the right answers. d And do your best to avoid agonizing over this “you’ll miss me later” refrain, to nurture the part of yourself that is wounded by her words. Don’t feel guilty or bad for feeling hurt by your mother; her insensitivity is not your fault.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the mother of a 23-year-old son who lives across the country. He has an 18-month-old son. He and the mother recently broke up, and splitting time with the child has been tense at best. Both my son and his ex live with their fathers currently, after being evicted from their home. In December, I asked if they would all come to visit, so my side of the family could meet my son’s son. The ex has been vocal about her fear of flying in the past, but this time, she was finally willing to try it. Even though they broke up, I knew the best shot of getting my grandson out here would be to include her. She would text me weekly to tell me she was excited to see me. Well, three days before the trip, she texted my son that she didn’t want to come and she would not let their son come either. My son’s biggest fear was that she would back out at the last minute and, sadly, she proved him right. My son did make the trip, and it has been wonderful to spend time with him, but it has been bittersweet.
There are numerous reasons why she could have canceled, including the fact that she has a new boyfriend and that the anniversary of her mom’s death fell during the trip. (I had forgotten about this when I bought the tickets, but when my son reminded me, I offered to change the dates or to do something special that day to honor her mom; she said she’d like to go to the ocean.) I had even set up separate sleeping arrangements for them in an effort to make it more comfortable for her.
The hardest part in all of this involves my 98-year-old grandma. She was so excited to meet her great-great grandson, and the thought of five generations being together brought me so much joy. We realize now the only way to make this happen is to go through the legal process, which Grandma may or may not survive long enough to see.
I am supposed to fly out to where they are for work at the end of March, and I know I will get to see my grandson then, but I am filled with so much sadness and anger. I can’t reconcile my feelings about his mother. She has texted me throughout the week that my son has been here without them, and I always text back with a response indicating I’m not as mad or hurt as I really am. I worry when I come face-to-face with her, I might explode. I don’t want to jeopardize any legal steps that need to be taken, or risk my ability to see my grandson when I do go out there for visits. How do I “keep the peace” during what is sure to be a lengthy process to allow my grandson to come meet his other side of the family?
— Sad Grandma in Seattle
Dear Sad Gramma,
This is tough. Though you have every right to be both sad and angry, it is incredibly important that you keep control of your emotions when interacting with this woman. You want her to see you as an ally, regardless of how contentious things may be between her and your son. As the custodial parent, she has the upper hand at this point, and you wouldn’t want discord between you and her to make an already difficult situation even worse. Stay in touch with her and continue advocating for a visit to your city for her and your grandchild. Make yourself available to her, offer support from afar as best as you can, and let her know that you want nothing more than to find peace between the two families and for your clan to get time with her son. Be as civil and as cordial as possible, regardless of what she does. You wouldn’t want something you’ve said or done to be used against your son during a legal battle, or for your actions to make this woman feel even less inclined to make her child available to you. Kill her with kindness, for it can only stand to benefit you and your son in the long-term. Meanwhile, find a friend or a loved one to whom you can vent to about her behavior. It shouldn’t be your son; he should be able to turn to you to complain about her. Remember that as difficult as this situation is for you, it must be awful for him as well, so be sure to be supportive even as you nurture your own feelings of frustration.
Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week
From this week’s letter, My Friend Needs to Know the Truth About Why I Can’t Babysit Her Kid: “My pets are afraid of this child and hide when they come over.”
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m going through a divorce at 53. My soon-to-be ex-wife, 14-year-old daughter, and I planned to take an all-in, last-chance trip through Mexico to reconcile our marriage and heal our family. My daughter and I started our trip last summer while my STBXW stayed behind to wrap up some loose ends, but out of the blue she changed her mind, landed the job of her dreams, and decided to stay home. After hanging on for more than 10 years of hoping that better days were just around the corner, it was the last straw for me and I filed for divorce. I had such high hopes, this devastated me, and I see only a losing path ahead.
We are two months into the process, but it has been horrible and ruthless. I’m faced now with going back to the city we left a year ago, finding an apartment, and trying to co-parent in what I believe will be a horrible set of circumstances for my daughter and me. When we left, I thought we were never coming back, and I was happy to leave the unhealthy, crowded, chaotic city I endured only to be there for my daughter and my STBXW’s career. I was a stay-at-home dad (and a damn good one at that), I don’t have my STBXW’s financial or physical stability, and what work I do have can be done anywhere. In the court’s eyes, I don’t have much to offer compared to what my STBXW can provide.
So, I’m tucking my tail between my legs to limp back for the stupidity of 50-50 shared custody while my wife basks in the glow of her career. I’ll be broke; it wasn’t a happy place for me even when I had a family. I have no roots there. My first thought was to man up. I can do anything for four years to be with my daughter, to see her through her teenage years. Pick-ups and drop-offs, homework, and after-school sports, I can handle that. I stayed in a miserable marriage for more than a decade, so why not keep on for just a while longer? After that, if I come out of the divorce okay, I might be able to retire to a happier place.
A friend suggested a different path. My STBXW is not much of a mother, my daughter will probably be raising herself mostly, and these are the conflict years when parents are walking a thin-line between guiding and letting go. On top of that, she’ll be living in two different households: My STBXW has always been the one who keeps my daughter up late, while I was the one who had to wake her up in the morning to get her to school on time. I can’t compete and I don’t want to be cleaning up her messes, and I think most of the “fair” visitation schedules are stupid chaos for the kids anyway. Ask my daughter, and she’d say she’s tired of living in a broken household and would go off to boarding school if she could.
But my friend’s suggestion was that I should follow through on our travel plans or settle down in a beach town we visited years ago as a family and my daughter and I loved. My daughter has seen nothing but a sad, tired man fighting with his wife, but if I forgo struggling financially and emotionally back in my STBXW’s city, I can semi-retire to a place where I can start a new life. When my daughter comes to visit, all the things that she loved doing with me will be right there. It’s a short flight from where she will be living, I won’t be co-parenting with a woman who I am afraid of and cannot imagine looking at ever again. I’m heartbroken thinking about what I will miss not being there, but when she comes she’ll see me happy and healthy, and we can be the father and daughter we used to be. I’m afraid she won’t want to come visit, or that she’ll hate me later. I’m afraid of getting old and not being able to go adventure later. I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong decision.
— Father of Mine
Dear Father of Mine,
I am truly sorry that you’re in such a difficult situation, and that the prospect of relocating back to a town you dislike is causing you so much grief. However, while I see how your friend’s suggestion could improve your quality of life, I am concerned about what it would mean for your daughter. You say that your soon-to-be-ex is “not much of a mother” and that the majority of parental duties have typically been handled by you. How do you think your child will be impacted by the absence of her primary parent, the person who has nurtured her most throughout her life? As a co-parenting mom, I am aware how difficult switching a child’s location over the course of the week can be. But the “solution” you are currently considering involves not parenting at all except for when your daughter is available to come for visits, which won’t be frequent. You say that a happier version of yourself would allow you to be “the father and daughter you used to be,” but your daughter would only get to experience that on rare occasions.
You mention being afraid of your ex. Does she pose a threat to you physically? Has she been abusive to you? If so, these are things that need to come up during the course of your divorce proceedings, so that a judge or other mediator can take them into consideration. I have to wonder, if you fear this woman, why would you entrust her to be the sole caregiver for your child?
Leaving a child in the sole custody of someone you think to be a mediocre parent is a rather selfish act. I’m not saying that your needs don’t deserve consideration here, but by your own account, your wife is unfit for the work of caring for your daughter alone. Wouldn’t you miss her? Do you really want her to experience four years of high school with such minimal participation from you as her father? Don’t you think she’ll need guidance and support that her mother is ill-equipped to provide her? Four years isn’t the longest period of time. You can plan for your exodus once your child is old enough to go off to school, or live on her own, or perhaps live with just you without having to divide her time with her mom. But it’s hard for me to imagine that it wouldn’t be devastating for her if you left now, and possibly devastating for you too.
I don’t wish to make light of how difficult this situation is for you, and how challenging it may be for you to live in a city that you don’t enjoy. However, as your daughter’s father—and as her most capable, committed parent throughout the course of her life–I think it is up to you to do everything in your power to be there for her and to continue the work of raising her for a few more years. Your friend wants what’s best for you, but I would hope that you also want what’s best for your daughter. I wish you all the best in making a decision that both of you can live with.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a mother of two: “Ally ” (22F) and “Steph” (19F). I am also a grandmother to 3-year-old twins. Steph had her kids when she was 16. I was disappointed because having children that young derails your life, but I told her I would support her decision to have the babies. I tried to make it clear that I had already had and raised my kids, and the twins were her children and not mine. However, I have been their primary caretaker. My daughter recently graduated high school but seems to have no drive regarding college or a job. She is always on her phone and goes to parties every other night. I’ve tried to push her to get a job so that she can start saving up for her own apartment and move out of my basement, but she basically told me that she is tired because the twins drain her energy and that she will try to get a job when they get older. I want to reiterate that she is barely raising them. Her boyfriend is over every once in a while, but he barely acknowledges that they are his kids too. I adore my grandkids, but I am extremely frustrated with this living situation. My other daughter graduated from a prestigious college and has a successful job. I don’t want to compare them, but it is frustrating to see Steph not driven at all.
Steph recently told me that she is pregnant again. I was shocked that she wanted to keep the baby because she seems to have no connection to her children. I don’t know what to do because chances are nothing will change, and I will end up raising three young children in my mid-fifties. I want to tell Steph that I will no longer support her financially and that she needs to grow up and get a job, but I am worried about how that will affect my grandchildren. I love them but always thought I would be an empty nester at this point. How do I push my daughter to get her life together?
— Frustrated Grandma
Dear Frustrated Grandma,
The only way that things will change is if you put your foot down and refuse to be your grandchildren’s primary caregiver. Your daughter is able to stay on the phone and go to parties because you are doing her job. It’s time to stop that. It won’t be easy, but you are going to have to erect some boundaries and establish what you are, and what you aren’t, willing to do to help her. That means setting rules for what Steph has to do in order to remain in your home. She shouldn’t be allowed just to do as she pleases while you take care of her family.
Decide for yourself what you want the next phase of this living situation to look like. Is it that you want Steph to get a job now? Or would it be enough for her to simply step up and serve as her children’s primary caregiver? It seems like the latter would be the most likely outcome considering that she’s pregnant again, but you wouldn’t be wrong for expecting her to work during the early stages of her pregnancy, part-time at the very least. You are extending her tremendous grace by allowing her to live in your home and by helping her with her twins. Speak to Steph and her boyfriend and let them both know that things have gone on as they have for too long, and that you will not be continuing to overextend yourself with the birth of this third child. Create stakes that are real; if Steph and this man are unwilling to step up and do more to care for these children, then she and the kids should have to leave your home. Be loving but firm. Set deadlines and terms for a new normal and adhere to them. Your daughter will only do what you allow her to get away with.
— Jamilah
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