Help! My Sibling Abused Me. Now They’re Mocking How I Reacted to It.

Dear Prudence is online weekly to chat live with readers on Mondays at noon ET. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat.

Q. Dazed and Abused: I was sexually abused by a sibling (same gender) as a child. They were only a few years older than me but it went on for a few years. We have never ever talked about it. We don’t acknowledge it but have an otherwise normal relationship. Sibling is very invested in social justice now, and I struggle a lot with connecting to people and my own sexuality as I am gay but often feel scared or overwhelmed by sexual situations because of the abuse. Lately, my siblings have been telling people they think I’m asexual because I don’t express interest in people and haven’t (to their knowledge) had any long-term relationships.

I’m outraged at this. They abused me! I’m not ready to bring it up to them or anyone really—the closest I’ve come to processing is a confidential web chat with RAINN. It’s not fair that they are arguably responsible for my distance in sex and relationships and now are acting like it’s a “sexuality” or a “preference.” (Asexual is a valid sexuality obviously, just not at all my identity.) It feels like I’m being judged for not being as horny as they are—but their horniness is what caused my trauma! And I can’t say anything because it’s such a horrible secret that it would destroy our relationship and my friends would be horrified that I still even have a sibling relationship with this person. I feel like I’ve been cornered into putting up with this traumatic judgment or talking about something I am not ready to talk about. Is there any path forward here?

A: The worst part of what you’ve written to me—and there are many bad parts—is that your experience has left you feeling ashamed. Of what happened to you, how it affected you, and even of having a relationship with your sibling. Let me be totally clear: You did nothing wrong and there is no wrong way to react.

I would love to see you get to a place where you can confide in your friends, confront your sibling, and stop carrying the weight of this terrible secret. I do think talking to just one person you trust would be a huge relief. If you’re not ready to confront your abuser, remove yourself from the conversation anytime this comes up. But, if you can muster it, how about using this line the next time the next time they make an inappropriate comment: “You and I both know what you did to me as a child. You’re extremely lucky I haven’t chosen to tell everyone, and I still reserve the option to do so. Listen closely: Never utter another word about my sexuality or you will live to regret it. Do you understand?”

Q. Busty and Ready to Fight: I am in my mid-20s. During quarantine, I gained a noticeable amount of weight. I have never been super skinny, but up until this point I had always been at least average. I am making moves already to lower my weight again, but I am a working woman and I have never lost weight easily. One thing I want to do is pick up an old sport of mine again: martial arts. Judo and jujitsu are some of the only physical activities I enjoy and will do consistently, and I know that the key to staying active is to enjoy what I’m doing. However, I keep on freezing up every time the opportunity to sign up appears. One of the biggest areas I gained weight is in my chest. I have never had a small bust, but now my chest size is, frankly, ridiculous. We’re talking F/G cups on someone barely over 5 feet tall.

I’m super insecure about it, and it’s getting in the way of my ability to sign up for classes. I keep on remembering this time I had quit martial arts when I was 13 because the boys my age wouldn’t grapple with me because I had a D cup. At the time, I had been so embarrassed that when I cried about it to my mom, she just pulled me out of the class. Every time I think about signing up for martial arts now, I keep on remembering the embarrassment I felt when I was a teen. I keep on imagining going through that experience again as an adult, especially when the people who typically do martial arts my age are already fit. Just thinking about it makes me feel embarrassed and extremely anxious. Everyone I have expressed my concerns to has told me to just lose weight before signing up, but I have a very slow metabolism. Realistically, it’s going to take years for my weight to go back down to what it was before, if at all. What can I do to gain some confidence so that I can confidently embrace my old hobby?

A: “Work on your body image issues” is an incredibly tall order and not a really fair request of someone who has spent 20-something years absorbing society’s messed-up messages about how awful it is to be anything other than extremely thin. But I do think one thing you could do to casually, passively reprogram yourself would be to follow a bunch of Instagram and TikZTok accounts of women your size and bigger who engage in various kinds of exercise and sports. It just might create a small shift in your thinking that could allow you to picture yourself in this environment.

In addition: Do research on the best possible sports bra. Technology has improved since you were 13. Look for all-women’s classes, so you’re not reminded of the bad experience you had as a teen. Tell the people whose advice was “Lose weight before you do an activity you enjoy” to go to hell.

Q. Not Allowed at the Funeral: I am on a recent break from my partner of 10 years, having not felt seen or heard as an individual for a long time and recognizing narcissistic traits in them. His father recently passed away and he is burying his feelings and acting very coldly. He went to India on his own and didn’t mention the funeral to me. I only found out through his sister. He said he did want me to go but now he has said he doesn’t want me to as it is stressful and wants to get it over with. I am trying to be as understanding and respectful of his wishes but feel driven away as has been the long term pattern with him. I was sad not to go and he then said I could go if I looked after his elderly mother who has dementia. I just really don’t know I cannot go in my own right but only if I am a caretaker. I do not mind helping or looking after someone but it’s the way I have been treated.

A: I don’t know enough to say this with certainty but I’m going to tell you my gut feeling: Whatever led to your break should have actually led to a full break up. Honestly, that’s almost always the case with breaks. You are right that he’s driving you away, and if it’s a long-term pattern, well, let’s end the pattern here. Absolutely do not go to the funeral as a caretaker. Send condolences to the family and block him.

Q. Bothered Aunt: My niece accidentally got pregnant when she was 14. My brother and sister-in-law raised the child. That child is now a man who has a family of his own—a wife and two children. He doesn’t know my brother is not his real father neither does he know that his sister is his mom. But his cousins, uncles and aunties do. It bothers me a lot that we—myself, my siblings, and his cousins who are all very close to each other—are now complicit in perpetuating a lie through generations. I feel my nephew and his offspring deserve to know the truth. Should I say something to my brother? Should I say something to my niece? Should I just shut up?

A: No to saying something. Yes to shutting up.

Q. Asking for a Friend: Hey Prudie, is “playing hard to get” a dating technique that people actively use? Or is it just a cute term to describe the autonomy that is displayed prior to submitting to relentless harassment?

A: I’m sure there are some people who use it. (Although, it seems like a really backward technique. How do you know that someone you like won’t take it as a “no” and move on?) but here’s the rule: You can never decide on your own that this is what a romantic interest is up to. No means no, and if they really meant yes, they’ll come back and let you know eventually.

Re: Q. Busty and Ready to Fight: I took tae kwon do in my early 40s and share your contours. Get a good supportive no-bounce sports bra, wear a tank top over it, and take advantage of the roominess of the uniform. I can’t imagine anyone (else) cares about your endowments in such a setting. They’re generally not 13 year old boys in a class you would fit into.

A: Great advice!

Re: Q. Bothered Aunt: The LW’s nephew deserves to know his own history, and when it comes out (which it usually does) there will be an even greater risk of permanent fracture in the familial relationship if it only comes out accidentally.

I think the LW should collect information on the standards for adoption and notifying your kid, stories from adopted people who found out as adults, even stories from conceived people who found out as adults, and take those to the brother and niece and try to get them to tell the nephew in a controlled and compassionate way.

A: This is a very nice compromise between “it’s not my business” and the nephew’s right to know. LW, consider doing all the work you can behind the scenes.

Re: Q. Busty and Ready to Fight: There are a lot more places that are size-inclusive now, and lots of people who do Judo aren’t particularly skinny or muscular. Look for a size inclusive dojo, and have fun.

Also, it’s one of the saddest things to me when people don’t let themselves do the movement they want to do because they feel like they have to have the “right” body for it. You don’t have to be thin to do martial arts. Start anyway. You don’t have to get thin to continue doing martial arts. You deserve to do things you enjoy.

A: Yes, you do deserve to do things you enjoy. And I’m confident that in the right class, in the right attire, our LW will really feel that.

Jenée Desmond-Harris: That’s all for today! Talk to you next time!

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